In multiple organisations that we know, people want to be so kind that an unkind culture arises. In face-to-face settings, everybody is kind to each other, almost sweet. However, as soon as someone is not present, people tend to be far more critical. That’s the reason for this blog. Because being kind can be very unkind.
When we ask people to give each other critical feedback directly, we often find ourselves in a long silence. This is then followed by hidden compliments with a critical veil. When we ask to give feedback to someone who is not present, the critical messages appears much easier and quicker. We are not talking about gossip here, but that the critical points are easily spoken, recognized and acknowledged when the person it concerns is not present. Which can be seen as gossiping. In my mind the same question keeps popping up: “Do I get the full truth about myself?”
I also ask whether this is discussed with the person it concerns (in a different setting). This is often not the case. Naturally there are good reasons for not doing that. Correction: Naturally, there are always good excuses for not doing that. Something along the lines of ‘the other is not open to receiving feedback, everybody says so’. Personally, I have never met someone who says that he/she is not open to receiving feedback. I do acknowledge that not everybody reacts properly to feedback (initially), however this does not mean that there is no use in giving! Or that it relieves you from the responsibility to deliver it directly.
I can’t completely let go of the impression that these ‘excuses’ are legitimations. Legitimations to take no action. To not run the risk of having to deal with someone who does not react well to feedback in a difficult conversation. To not provide the feedback in a constructive manner themselves. To not have to show the courage to have the difficult conversation.
Whilst this would be actually kind. The other person knows you are honest, and gets the opportunity to question him/herself whether they agree with the feedback and whether he/she wants to adjust his/her behaviour. More importantly, the person knows they can trust you. The other knows that you don’t just act kind, but that you are kind for real, even in when the person is not in the same room. And that you have the courage to be unkind sometimes, and that is the thing that makes you so kind.
Is this always easy? No, probably not at first. But long term it is. Because if you are honest: You also want people to speak to you instead of about you, right?
Again, I will end my blog with a call for action! About whom have you complained regularly lately without discussing this with that person? Go and have the conversation! Share your story and sincerely listen, without interrupting, to the story of the other. Because being unkind, could turn out to be very kind.
Does your organisation want to shift its culture from ‘Kind unkind’ to ‘unkind kind’? Is your team showing signs of ‘kind unkind’ behaviour? Fresh Habits can help!
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